Need a little grace here.....

So I'm learning that I'm not the perfect dad...and that's a big blow to my ego. Can I confess here a minute? I think I was living in this delusional world that I was going to be the best dad ever --- my kids would love me and respect me and honor my wishes all the time. I don't know that I ever consciously thought that, but deep down inside I'm pretty sure that was my goal.

My son is 4, about to be 5, and my daughter is 3. And in the last 2 months, they have quite convincingly exposed me for the fraud that I am. What is that about kids, they can see right through the garbage and can push your buttons and all of the sudden, you're exposed, the truth is out there. There are times when I feel like the Emperor who has no clothes on, at the moment he realizes he has no clothes on. Not good.

I discovered this because I was noticing how easily I was getting upset with my kids when they disobeyed me or my wife. It seemed like I went from fine to "hot and bothered" in about 1 minute. Later on I would sit and ask myself, "Why are you so mad?" And I couldn't honestly come up with an answer. I didn't know. My kids were being kids, they were pushing the limits, testing boundaries, all the stuff I did at their age. Why was it bugging me so much?

Well, as the Lord usually does, it came clear to me in a conversation with my friend Eddie. We're reading through Romans and got to that great part in chapter 7 where Paul says:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I
do not do, but what I hate I do. 7:15


Eddie asked me if I ever felt that way, if I've experienced what Paul is talking about. And I related to him my struggles with my kids, how I want to be a great dad but I keep behaving like a knuckle-head. As soon as I finish, Eddie looks at me and says: "Karl, sounds like you're trying to be the perfect father. Your kids don't need you to be the perfect father; if you were, they wouldn't need God would they?"

Well, that one cut to the core. I could feel the Holy Spirit leaning on me a little bit after that. And it started to become more clear --- all my frustration that I was expressing to my kids was really my own guilt and shame for not being the dad I wanted to be. And instead of working this out with the Lord, I was trying to work it out with my kids. I was trying to be the perfect dad and was really messing it up. In fact, I wasn't even close. And this was killing me --- but I had stopped talking to the Lord about it. I was praying about the situation, but it was that God would help my kids stop misbehaving --- seems like now it should have been, "Lord, humble me. Help me to love my kids and discipline them, and not have my self worth wrapped up in how much they obey and respect me. Help me to find my worth in you, so that I can love my kids genuinely."

Alright, lesson learned...at least for now. So here we go:

Lord, thanks for being a God who loves a silly, foolish, arrogant, knuckle-head like me. Thank you for still allowing me to be a father. Lord, thanks for not giving up on me, the way I seem to give up on myself. Help me to be a humble, gentle, and loving father, more like your son Jesus, willing to sacrifice himself for the better of others. Help me to find my identity in you and not in how well I parent. Help me to be the dad I want to be in my heart of hearts, to do what your Spirit prompts me to do. Lord, thanks for my friend Eddie who can speak your truth with great love into my life. Thanks for a wife who loves me and supports me and challenges me to do and be better. Thank you for two kids who are teaching me all the time about grace and forgiveness. AMEN.